It’s a frightening thought sometimes but hear me out.
That person who just cut in front of you in traffic, or the cashier who hopelessly mangled your breakfast order. It’s easy to roll your eyes and assume their incompetence, rudeness or whatever - and yes as a chronically impatient person I am definitely guilty of this.
But then, what if in that moment, that person is genuinely doing their best. Despite whatever happened in their home life that morning - their dog dying, their solitary, single hours sleep thanks to a sick kid or whatever it happened to be. That person is just going through their day, doing their very best with the resources they have available to them at the time. Trying to get through it until they can get home, close their front door and hide from the world.
I had heard this concept before and thought I understood it, but it only really was brought home to me in the weeks and months after the sudden death of my dad.
Yes, I was on my feet, functioning. I was grocery shopping and driving errands and standing in post office queues going about daily life. But I was so much on autopilot. Thinking back now it’s actually quite scary how little I remember of that time, lost in a hazy, solitary bubble of grief. As though I was wrapped in a huge wodge of insulating bubble wrap - part of the world, but also very much separate.
During that time I probably let countless doors slam in people’s faces, or veered in front of them with my trolley in a supermarket aisle. Not because I was being rude or arrogant or rushed but because I was really and truly just getting through that day as best I could, and all of my energy was being expended just in holding myself together enough to fulfil the basic adult necessities.
Operating from a place of sheer overwhelm, exhaustion and grief taught me a lot, and I found myself thinking about it today while I was in the supermarket.
With just a few short days to go until Christmas I had made the mistake of ‘just popping in’ to the supermarket for a few bits. Of course, predictably it was packed and chaotic and there was precious little evidence of ‘peace on earth and goodwill to all men’. Adopting my usual brand of exaggerated patience and thinly veiled exasperation wasn’t working so instead I tried repeating my little mantra of ‘everyone is just trying to do their best’ as I steered through the crowds.
And I have to say that it really did help a little. While yes, it’s true that some people might really be rude or incompetent they also might not be. Both things might be true - but trying to believe the latter (and muttering it under my breath as I navigate the frozen food section) was definitely better for my blood pressure.
The last place I worked was very intentional about company culture and one of their mottos is “Assume Positive Intent” which is close to the same idea. It definitely helps to adopt this perspective at work, but also in everyday life!
This would make an excellent mantra for anytime of the year. Giving people the benefit of the doubt even when they are stepping on your last nerve is a way to remind yourself that Will you are important not everything is about you. You can’t tell what’s going on in somebody else’s life, and what they are trying to cope with. When all else fails, be kind, or in my case, try to be kind. We do the best we can.