Doing it 'by my own'

Why seeking solitude is so important.

The view from my lovely hotel room in Lincoln

When my eldest son was very small he was fiercely independent and hated having to ask for help for anyone (I can’t think where he got that from 😉).

Whatever he was trying to do, whether it was opening a tricky snack packet or climbing a rock for the first time there would be a lot of huffing and exasperated puffing from him. But any offer of help would be batted away with a sticky, chubby fist and the mantra of ‘I do it by my own’.

It’s become a bit of a household saying - none of us are particularly good at asking for help but increasingly we are getting a bit better at offering it to each other in a way that’s more likely to be accepted.

Doing things ‘by my own’ has been a bit of a recurrent theme in recent weeks for me more by necessity than choice, it has to be said.

Having my mum come to stay with us for a few days means a lot of driving up and down the A1 (not one of the UK’s better roads) and it’s one of those situations where no help is available. Mum doesn’t drive and lives over 200 miles away from us with no easy access to the rail network. If she is coming to visit I either have to go and get her, or we pay for a long distance taxi service - the latter was starting to seem like a good idea after nearly 1000 miles of driving this week.

In an attempt to lessen the load my darling husband booked me into a beautiful hotel for an overnight stay. Giving me chance to catch up on sleep and enjoy a bit of solo time in a nicer environment than the stationary queue of traffic on the A1 roadworks.

And it was really beautiful. A gorgeous hotel room, crisp sheets, fancy bathroom, baffling coffee maker (is it just me - or are those posh coffee pod machines getting harder and harder to work).

I pictured myself reclining in the spotlessly white fluffy bathrobe, ordering room service and generally being indulgent.

Instead I found myself restless, pottering around my room or walking around the streets, window shopping in the closed shops. Unable to settle to anything and feeling strangely out of place.

I think it’s been so long since I spent any significant amount of time by myself that I have gradually lost the knack of it. I spent so long anticipating being ‘by my own’ that I had no idea what to do once I found myself there.

It’s no coincidence I don’t think, that I keep seeing pieces here on Substack about retreats and the value of going on/being on a retreat. I often find that life has a way of putting things in front of me that I need to see and to learn from and I don’t think this is any exception.

This wonderful piece by

Tanya Lynch

is all about the value of ‘retreating’ and part of a wider series of writing by her on the subject. I have recently joined Tanya’s paid membership here but there is a wealth of her writing freely available if you scroll back through her Substack.

Sunday WORD:ship - The 24 Hour Reset

Tanya vividly describes a recent retreat of her own, seeking solitude for 24hrs and it got me thinking that I need to do something similar.

It doesn’t need to be fancy, it doesn’t need to involve driving far - and ideally it would involve going nowhere near the A1 roadworks at Doncaster 🤣.

It could just be me, some books and my knitting. Somewhere quiet, somewhere peaceful, somewhere I could just get used to being by myself again.

Image found on the internet while scrolling images of Sheoherd’s huts

This idyllic image was found during a late night internet scrolling session while looking for shepherd’s hut retreats. But honestly I could probably get the same sense of solitude in the Travelodge down the road - although it would be slightly less photogenic I grant you.

Some planning is clearly required on this, and with the family all home for the holidays I don’t see it happening imminently. But once both boys are away at Uni, my days and weeks will look very different indeed - and a solo retreat to the woods is very much on the cards.

Maybe even more than one. Watch this space…

Have you every stayed in a shepherd’s hut or gone on an off-grid retreat? If so do let me know the pros/cons in the comments. And if you know of any in the South East of England that you can recommend I am all ears.