When your friends are in your phone
The other day, my Mum bumped into an old school friend—someone she hadn’t seen in years. Within minutes, they were catching up over coffee, swapping stories, reminiscing, bonding over shared grief. Both widowed had been widowed but also had a lot of joyful anecdotes to share as well.
Admittedly she has lived in pretty much the same place all her life and is in regular contact with people that she has known for years but this really did get me thinking.
I could pass by some of my old school friends on the street and I genuinely don’t think I would know them from Adam. It’s been 40 years since I saw them last and I’m sure we all look very different to all outward appearances.
In fact on further reflection I don’t think I have had a single friendship last more than 5-10 years. For me, friendships seem to be more of a transient thing, linked to the life phase I am currently going through.
Does that make me cold hearted? I genuinely don’t know. But it does make me feel a little envious when I read about all these women who have warm, supportive life long friendships. The kind epitomised in Sex and the City with regular get-togethers over brunch and shared experiences going back years.
I just don’t have that and I don’t think I ever have had. Am I missing out?
Partly it’s the fact that I truly am comfortable in my own company - probably a bit too comfortable if truth be told. My comfort zone is wide, expansive, and copiously padded with wool. It’s a cosy place. Maybe too cosy. It takes something truly compelling to make me step outside it
And partly I have moved, changed and evolved over my life. I’ve physically moved locations, changed careers and changed my outlook on life. What motivated me in my 20s - partying and spending my hard-earned cash in Afflecks Palace every Saturday doesn’t motivate me know.
Similarly, the people I was close to when my boys were small I rarely see as we have all moved on to other things. As our kids have grown, so have we.
Maybe that’s the true nature of friendships - to change and evolve naturally as we do ourselves. We don’t stay the same so maybe it is unrealistic to expect our friendships to remain static.
I think in part this is why I am naturally drawn to friendship in online communities. I’ve found friendships in online knitting communities—some I've met in real life, others I only know through my screen. But the bond is real, just the same.
And I love that I can go to a knitting event - a yarn festival for example and instantly have something in common with pretty much everyone there. We can bypass the awkward getting-to-know-you stage and focus directly on the important stuff - our shared love of yarn.
But I also have others I would count as friends even though I have never met them outside of my phone.
I don’t see that as a bad thing by the way, just different. There is no law that says an online friendship is any less valid than a physical one. In fact the distinction between ‘real life’ and online life is one that irks me a little.
I chat with people online every day—are they real? Of course they are. Friendship isn’t about proximity; it’s about connection. And connection isn’t confined to brunch dates or physical spaces. It’s in shared humour, genuine conversation. And the quiet comfort in knowing someone is there - just a message away.
If you are looking for connection, conversation and a cosy community online please do check out my Everyday Knitter membership here - just tap the link below to find out more.
I definitely feel deeply connected to some of my online friends that I've never met in person, often never even had a call with. I'm also lucky in that I have a few friendships that have stood the test of time, and the key for me has definitely been that we both give each other enough space to grow and change, for the relationship to ebb and flow and resettle as we do.
Thank you for sharing this :) I've been working on writing something about friendship too - it definitely feels vulnerable when I think about posting it! Friendship has long been a source of mystery, confusion, fascination and shame for me. I definitely agree that it shifts and changes - I've had periods of having no friends, and periods of being part of a scene and feeling incredible depth of connection, often through shared projects, work, art or music. Even though I'll never be a "hundreds of friends" kind of person, I think knowing that I have the courage to pursue connection and collaboration has been a huge driver in my own growth. And I know I want that kind of community, connection and collaboration to be a big part of my future, even though it still feels quite mysterious and challenging. Shares like yours always help me shed another little layer of shame at still being in the process of trying to work it all out, and not finding it "glossy sitcom" easy :) Thank you.