I definitely feel deeply connected to some of my online friends that I've never met in person, often never even had a call with. I'm also lucky in that I have a few friendships that have stood the test of time, and the key for me has definitely been that we both give each other enough space to grow and change, for the relationship to ebb and flow and resettle as we do.
Thank you for sharing this :) I've been working on writing something about friendship too - it definitely feels vulnerable when I think about posting it! Friendship has long been a source of mystery, confusion, fascination and shame for me. I definitely agree that it shifts and changes - I've had periods of having no friends, and periods of being part of a scene and feeling incredible depth of connection, often through shared projects, work, art or music. Even though I'll never be a "hundreds of friends" kind of person, I think knowing that I have the courage to pursue connection and collaboration has been a huge driver in my own growth. And I know I want that kind of community, connection and collaboration to be a big part of my future, even though it still feels quite mysterious and challenging. Shares like yours always help me shed another little layer of shame at still being in the process of trying to work it all out, and not finding it "glossy sitcom" easy :) Thank you.
I am so glad to read about your friends. At times, I have reflected and wondered why I see people with friends from high school and I do not have those long years of friends. I think you have almost described me. My brother still has a group from high school which is over 50 years ago. I do not have a girlfriend group either. I have a very small group of friends. I, too, am happy and comfortable on my own. I enjoy people and conversation as it is available. I enjoy small groups of similar interest. Thank you for your comments today.
Oh you're welcome. I glad it resonated with you. I think partly our expectations are shaped from those extroverts around us who are quite vocal in celebrating their friendships. We tend to forget that other, quieter ways exist too. Neither is right or wrong, just different
I've never had a group of girlfriends like that either, nor anyone I ever knew. Does it exist outside of fiction? I have had long friendships, sadly a few of the most important, including my best of 40 years, have died. I've moved 8 hours away from where I spent most of my life, I have yet to find my people here. I made two friends (in 5 years) who don't know each other, and live about 40 min away. I miss being able to just decide to call a friend to go for a walk or coffee.
My sister has a group of friends she has known from school. They go on weekends away together and have regular catch ups. We are polar opposites in so many regards 😂
My sister is like that too. I am envious of the length of the their relationships, dancing at the Student Union to having children. Friendships over 25 years. Your piece really resonated with me. You write so well from your heart.
It was interesting to read your thoughts on friendships Louise. I too seem to have transient friendships from different times of my life and doubt I would know anyone from my school days. Although my mother still has a 'best friend' from her school days and she will be 91 in a couple of months. They were at school and played netball together and continued to see each other throughout their lives often taking holidays together too. I still refer to her as Aunty Joan!
I have felt this way for years, I seem to scare people off though I don’t know how. My closest friends I found through a shared community and we mostly chat online as we all live in different parts of the country. And because of online communities, I have people I know in many different parts of the world which I love. But I too would like to have that friend who lives round the corner, can pop in and chat to over a cuppa. I’m the same though, I still live in the town I went to school (having moved away and come back) and I’m not in contact with any of them and I’m sure I’d not recognise most. But to me, that means I’ve grown and changed. I’m not the same kid from secondary school. I get lonely at times but I think I’d rather preserve my peace than get involved in other people’s drama.
Moving away definitely changes you, in so many ways. I've encouraged my kids to move away to Uni and while they are always welcome back I think it's a vital part of gaining your independence
I too, have been thinking about friendship just recently. It made me quite nostalgic remembering the fearless, loud, very happy times of high school and then how that all vaporised with the end of school exams. We sort of knew we were heading in different directions but wasn't till the last exams that that realisation became real .We no longer had a common connection.
This became a constant pattern of friendships made and lost as my life moved from studies to work to parents of my childrens schools, to finally meeting of "my people" through online interest groups. I can visit them whenever i can without being a truant and when i manage to meet someone from the group in real life it has cemented my connection to the online society. I can physically move great distances or travel to foreign lands but still visit the safe hub. It is comforting to know that there is someone out there to listen and comment if you have something to share or say. Not alone really at all. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
I deliberately moved away from the community I grew up in, because my life was too dominated by my parents' wants, needs and social circle. I'm still in touch with my best friend since I was at school, but, after living as a nomad on a yacht for more than 10 years, she has washed up and built her life in Tahiti. I bumped into - literally - a friend from Uni days in a motorway service station not long ago. There was that moment of 'I know that woman, where the hell from' until we both realised!
I think I'm more the opposite, I don't tend to make connections online. I have a group of friends who have been lunching and then crafting together for 20 years, having bonded at work while working in an extremely male dominated environment. Even after retirement we still meet up once a week to drink coffee, gossip and occasionally still craft. I know I wouldn't recognize anyone from school - to be honest I struggle to recognise people I worked with 6 years ago if I don't see them regularly. My partner on the other hand still regularly meets up with 3 or 4 people he went to primary school with. I just find making connections now exhausting, even with people I've known for a while. After any social event I need to decompress for a day or so. And I'm happy with that.
I think friendship is as individual as each of us are. I have plenty of acquaintances but have never been one for deep friendship, hanging out in pubs, or regular meetups. I mix mainly with people who have shared interests: writing, art, and nature. And that's fine for me .
I really get this. I’ve always felt there was something wrong with me because I don’t have those intense long lasting friendships - I have friends and a few have been friends for a long time but I am very happy on my own. My husband is my longest lasting friendship and fortunately we still get on after over forty years together. But with a book, my garden and now social media I have everything I need.
Oh absolutely. I had this conversation with one of my sons recently. We were joking about us not having many friends and he really connected with that. After his first year at Uni he has made friends but doesn't have the amazingly wide circle that some of his friends talk about and that seems to be more the norm. We talked a lot about how it's OK to have your own friendship style and to not feel as though you need to have a wider circle than you are actually comfortable with.
No not at all cold hearted! I have experienced the same thing. Friendships usually were formed around the activities and or schools my children attended! Active in PTAs and others whose children shared after school clubs or sports/art programs etc! This groups usually lasted until graduation or when interests changed.
Yep, friends in that phase of life is something I see.
I was in a job that was closing down. I said to someone that I didn't expect we would be friends when the job was over. She looked at me shocked. I explained we were only friends at work & not outside of it, & didn't expect that to change. It's funny, as although she lives locally I have never once bumped into her in the supermarket or anywhere public in the 20 years since. I call them "situation friends". But phase of life friends is good. hmmm...
Also I don't count FB friends as being good friends... most are acquaintances... the good friends I engage with more off socials...
This is so true. I always drew a very sharp distinction between work and home life. I never understood it when work colleagues wanted to add me as friends on social media. Errr...no thank you 😂
I have three friends from school days that I am in fairly constant contact with. One it seems I have to make the first move to meet up. I have made and lost friends over the years similar to you Louise. Children grew up or we moved away. One I did make contact with a few years ago but we had different things going on in our lives. I now belong to a friendship group through FB and I'm gaining a few penpals whether it be on paper or email. I don't think I will make any firm friends now but acquaintances through groups and clubs I belong to. But I am happy to go to retreats on my own and sit and chat about knitting or sewing. If I don't get on with someone I probably won't see them again anyway!
I definitely feel deeply connected to some of my online friends that I've never met in person, often never even had a call with. I'm also lucky in that I have a few friendships that have stood the test of time, and the key for me has definitely been that we both give each other enough space to grow and change, for the relationship to ebb and flow and resettle as we do.
Thank you for sharing this :) I've been working on writing something about friendship too - it definitely feels vulnerable when I think about posting it! Friendship has long been a source of mystery, confusion, fascination and shame for me. I definitely agree that it shifts and changes - I've had periods of having no friends, and periods of being part of a scene and feeling incredible depth of connection, often through shared projects, work, art or music. Even though I'll never be a "hundreds of friends" kind of person, I think knowing that I have the courage to pursue connection and collaboration has been a huge driver in my own growth. And I know I want that kind of community, connection and collaboration to be a big part of my future, even though it still feels quite mysterious and challenging. Shares like yours always help me shed another little layer of shame at still being in the process of trying to work it all out, and not finding it "glossy sitcom" easy :) Thank you.
I am so glad to read about your friends. At times, I have reflected and wondered why I see people with friends from high school and I do not have those long years of friends. I think you have almost described me. My brother still has a group from high school which is over 50 years ago. I do not have a girlfriend group either. I have a very small group of friends. I, too, am happy and comfortable on my own. I enjoy people and conversation as it is available. I enjoy small groups of similar interest. Thank you for your comments today.
Oh you're welcome. I glad it resonated with you. I think partly our expectations are shaped from those extroverts around us who are quite vocal in celebrating their friendships. We tend to forget that other, quieter ways exist too. Neither is right or wrong, just different
You are so right. Being an introvert isn’t such a bad thing.
I've never had a group of girlfriends like that either, nor anyone I ever knew. Does it exist outside of fiction? I have had long friendships, sadly a few of the most important, including my best of 40 years, have died. I've moved 8 hours away from where I spent most of my life, I have yet to find my people here. I made two friends (in 5 years) who don't know each other, and live about 40 min away. I miss being able to just decide to call a friend to go for a walk or coffee.
My sister has a group of friends she has known from school. They go on weekends away together and have regular catch ups. We are polar opposites in so many regards 😂
My sister is like that too. I am envious of the length of the their relationships, dancing at the Student Union to having children. Friendships over 25 years. Your piece really resonated with me. You write so well from your heart.
Finding your people - I think that’s the key to it. Those kindred spirits with whom we feel an immediate connection….
It was interesting to read your thoughts on friendships Louise. I too seem to have transient friendships from different times of my life and doubt I would know anyone from my school days. Although my mother still has a 'best friend' from her school days and she will be 91 in a couple of months. They were at school and played netball together and continued to see each other throughout their lives often taking holidays together too. I still refer to her as Aunty Joan!
I have felt this way for years, I seem to scare people off though I don’t know how. My closest friends I found through a shared community and we mostly chat online as we all live in different parts of the country. And because of online communities, I have people I know in many different parts of the world which I love. But I too would like to have that friend who lives round the corner, can pop in and chat to over a cuppa. I’m the same though, I still live in the town I went to school (having moved away and come back) and I’m not in contact with any of them and I’m sure I’d not recognise most. But to me, that means I’ve grown and changed. I’m not the same kid from secondary school. I get lonely at times but I think I’d rather preserve my peace than get involved in other people’s drama.
Moving away definitely changes you, in so many ways. I've encouraged my kids to move away to Uni and while they are always welcome back I think it's a vital part of gaining your independence
I too, have been thinking about friendship just recently. It made me quite nostalgic remembering the fearless, loud, very happy times of high school and then how that all vaporised with the end of school exams. We sort of knew we were heading in different directions but wasn't till the last exams that that realisation became real .We no longer had a common connection.
This became a constant pattern of friendships made and lost as my life moved from studies to work to parents of my childrens schools, to finally meeting of "my people" through online interest groups. I can visit them whenever i can without being a truant and when i manage to meet someone from the group in real life it has cemented my connection to the online society. I can physically move great distances or travel to foreign lands but still visit the safe hub. It is comforting to know that there is someone out there to listen and comment if you have something to share or say. Not alone really at all. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
Thank you for always giving us a good read.📚📕📗📚
I deliberately moved away from the community I grew up in, because my life was too dominated by my parents' wants, needs and social circle. I'm still in touch with my best friend since I was at school, but, after living as a nomad on a yacht for more than 10 years, she has washed up and built her life in Tahiti. I bumped into - literally - a friend from Uni days in a motorway service station not long ago. There was that moment of 'I know that woman, where the hell from' until we both realised!
I think I'm more the opposite, I don't tend to make connections online. I have a group of friends who have been lunching and then crafting together for 20 years, having bonded at work while working in an extremely male dominated environment. Even after retirement we still meet up once a week to drink coffee, gossip and occasionally still craft. I know I wouldn't recognize anyone from school - to be honest I struggle to recognise people I worked with 6 years ago if I don't see them regularly. My partner on the other hand still regularly meets up with 3 or 4 people he went to primary school with. I just find making connections now exhausting, even with people I've known for a while. After any social event I need to decompress for a day or so. And I'm happy with that.
I think friendship is as individual as each of us are. I have plenty of acquaintances but have never been one for deep friendship, hanging out in pubs, or regular meetups. I mix mainly with people who have shared interests: writing, art, and nature. And that's fine for me .
I really get this. I’ve always felt there was something wrong with me because I don’t have those intense long lasting friendships - I have friends and a few have been friends for a long time but I am very happy on my own. My husband is my longest lasting friendship and fortunately we still get on after over forty years together. But with a book, my garden and now social media I have everything I need.
Oh absolutely. I had this conversation with one of my sons recently. We were joking about us not having many friends and he really connected with that. After his first year at Uni he has made friends but doesn't have the amazingly wide circle that some of his friends talk about and that seems to be more the norm. We talked a lot about how it's OK to have your own friendship style and to not feel as though you need to have a wider circle than you are actually comfortable with.
Beautiful
No not at all cold hearted! I have experienced the same thing. Friendships usually were formed around the activities and or schools my children attended! Active in PTAs and others whose children shared after school clubs or sports/art programs etc! This groups usually lasted until graduation or when interests changed.
Yep, friends in that phase of life is something I see.
I was in a job that was closing down. I said to someone that I didn't expect we would be friends when the job was over. She looked at me shocked. I explained we were only friends at work & not outside of it, & didn't expect that to change. It's funny, as although she lives locally I have never once bumped into her in the supermarket or anywhere public in the 20 years since. I call them "situation friends". But phase of life friends is good. hmmm...
Also I don't count FB friends as being good friends... most are acquaintances... the good friends I engage with more off socials...
This is so true. I always drew a very sharp distinction between work and home life. I never understood it when work colleagues wanted to add me as friends on social media. Errr...no thank you 😂
Thank you, love the idea of a friendship being a transient thing, connected to our life stages. This was wonderful to read.
I have three friends from school days that I am in fairly constant contact with. One it seems I have to make the first move to meet up. I have made and lost friends over the years similar to you Louise. Children grew up or we moved away. One I did make contact with a few years ago but we had different things going on in our lives. I now belong to a friendship group through FB and I'm gaining a few penpals whether it be on paper or email. I don't think I will make any firm friends now but acquaintances through groups and clubs I belong to. But I am happy to go to retreats on my own and sit and chat about knitting or sewing. If I don't get on with someone I probably won't see them again anyway!